The Daughter in Law Page 4

He told me the song questioningly as though I wouldn’t have heard of it. ‘We played it last night at the gig. The crowd love the old sixties classics.’

  ‘It’s such an awesome tune,’ I said, looking down at my coffee. ‘My dad played it all the time when I was a kid.’ As I hummed along in my head, nostalgia flooded my body and became overwhelming. I bit the inside of my cheek. ‘It’s one of my favourites.’ I gulped down the tears that were constricting my throat.

  I let out a long sigh. I locked eyes with Ben and smiled again, conscious he might be able to see the glint of tears welling in them. Who would pull away first? It was Ben. Shy, mysterious Ben, who allowed these fleeting moments of self-consciousness to seep through.

  We sat for a few moments, perhaps even minutes. I was surprised at how easy the silences hung between us.

  ‘You know’ Ben began, as he picked up a piece of toast ‘You’ve met me at a junction in my life. I’m just trying to figure a few things out at the moment.’ He looked thoughtful as he took a bite.

  ‘Aren’t we all?’ I said as a thousand images of my past life flashed before my eyes.

  The memories didn’t fully surface though. I had stored them safely where at times even I failed to reach them. There was plenty of time for us to find the skeletons in each other’s closets. I asked him, ‘So what instruments can you play?’

  ‘Pretty much anything I can get my hands on.’ He instantly seemed brighter when talking about music. I needed to see that side of him right now, not the despondency. ‘But mostly, bass guitar and drums. I gig with whatever bands I can. To be honest, I need to put myself out there more. I’m hoping next year will be a better year. But I’ve got a few things going on at the moment. Just trying to work some stuff out.’ He was rushing his words and rubbing his stubble as he spoke. Maybe telling me things he was anxious to get out; perhaps conscious he was sharing a lot of information at once. And yet again, I ignored my cue. I wasn’t ready to share any more of myself than I absolutely needed to.

  ‘Hopefully I can get some serious work soon. I’ve probably held myself back more than I should have done. More for my mum’s sake. My teens just kind of rolled into my twenties without me noticing. I feel I need to start doing something more with my life now, before it’s too late.’

  ‘Life is pretty fluid, not static, it’s just one big journey,’ I said, then realised the seriousness to my tone too late. Ben looked at me and I could feel my face flush. I knew if we kept going, that the questions would soon be turned on me. ‘I mean I love my job though, if I couldn’t get up and jump around every day I’d die!’ I said, probably with too much enthusiasm. Ben eyed me with a knowing look. Then he stood up and stretched, and I caught a glimpse of his midriff, the very skin I had touched last night. Ben looked down at me just as I was looking at him and his noisy stretch morphed into a laugh. I laughed back and relaxed again.

  ‘Well, don’t. Die that is. That wouldn’t be good.’ Ben took my hand. I felt a rush of lust and I had to quickly look away and feign interest in the window. Images of the two of us together from last night flashed into my mind, and I could barely concentrate anymore. I let a few moments pass then I stood up and flopped onto the sofa. Ben took the hint and followed me. I leant back into the soft fabric and with Ben next to me I thought about the last few hours in the company of this complete stranger; how could I feel and act this way with him? Completely at ease and throwing myself at him as though I had known him for years.

  We had lain for hours that morning just staring at one another’s faces, examining the lines that were waiting to tell the stories of our lives. I was overwhelmed with a yearning to know the intricacies of him and to avoid the subtle embarrassments of a new relationship; yet I also wanted to bottle this addictive feeling of anticipation that came with being with someone who knew nothing about me; knowing that every moment spent together was a discovery. And that my past was safely in the past and that was where it could stay – if that was what I wanted.

  ‘You’re different, Daisy. I’ve never met anyone like you,’ Ben whispered and I could hear the desperation in his voice. Every word he spoke was like being spoon-fed honey and I closed my eyes for a second to absorb it all. I wanted to be able to say all the words that were forming in my head, words like ‘you’re the one, I think I’m in love with you, you’re making every fibre of my body shudder’.

  I settled for the safety of, ‘I’ve never met anyone like you either.’

  Ben squeezed my hand. He squeezed it hard with both of his and I felt an urgency in that squeeze. Something that suggested he was lost, lonely and in need of something that perhaps even he didn’t know. And I knew we were destined to be together.

  Two lost souls found.

  We sat there on the sofa and stared at one another. Every now and again, we allowed a small smile to creep across our lips.

  At some point Eve appeared and attempted to ask us if we wanted more coffees. Eventually she gave up and walked away leaving us with our fingers entwined and our eyes locked upon each other.

  Oblivious to everyone and everything around us.

  Annie

  It was Ben’s birthday today, the first birthday I wouldn’t spend with my son.

  He was born so close to Christmas that I feel me and Ben and Christmas all belong together. It was the 17th of December 1982 and he was due Christmas Day but popped out a week early.

  The roads were so icy that night and luckily the midwife was on duty in the area, so Ben was a home birth. She arrived just as his little head was appearing. I remember the story as though it happened yesterday. It’s always there in my mind ready to tell anyone, but of course no one asks, because it’s always just been me and Ben.

  Now as I stood in the kitchen, stirring my tea, with no one to cook for, my son miles away with his new wife, I should have felt joy. I should have been planning a celebration, the way we always did with his favourite meal and a bottle of beer. Instead I felt a tiny seed of something within me. It was going to grow. It had spawned from betrayal, and it would develop into something bigger still.

  And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  Daisy

  ‘Happy birthday handsome,’ I said and bent down to kiss Ben on the head while he was sat on the floor. He and Eve had been up for hours and they were now sorting through the Christmas decorations. I hadn’t slept well. I felt nauseous all night and the baby bump was already causing me discomfort in bed.

  ‘Thank you.’ Ben reached for my hand and held on to it as I shuffled to the chair still in my pyjamas and slipper socks and sat down.

  ‘What’s occurring? This looks busy.’ I surveyed the sea of greens, golds and reds on the space on the floor between Eve and Ben.

  ‘Just helping Eve get these ready.’ Ben held up a scary-looking knitted Santa. I motioned with my head towards Eve, so Ben could grasp this was not one of my purchases. Each year she would arrive home with an eccentric tree decoration and that particular one had been part of the family for four years.

  ‘Yes, he’s been super. Actually, we were just saying what a bummer it is having a birthday so close to Christmas. Ben was just saying how much he dislikes Christmas – imagine that!’ Eve was, even on a non-work day, dressed immaculately. Today she was in her knee length A-line black skirt, a burgundy turtleneck, black tights and burgundy patent Mary Jane shoes. You’d never catch Eve in sports casuals. Even on DVD nights in she wore satin pyjamas and a silk Japanese robe.

  ‘Yes that’s right, he’s a bit of scrooge, aren’t you babe?’ I said with a laugh but Ben’s sullen expression told me he hadn’t found it funny. I was aware by now that Christmas was not his favourite time of year but I’d just put it down to the fact his birthday was so close to it. I was beginning to think there was more to it, something that he wasn’t telling me.

  ‘Well done.’ I yawned as I got comfy. ‘I’ll project manage. From the sidelines.’ I curled my feet under my legs.

  ‘So, babe,’ Ben began and, even th
ough we had only been together just over five months, I recognised the tone. He was about to hit me with something.

  ‘How do you feel about me popping to the Outer Hebrides?’ My stomach lurched and my mouth went dry.

  ‘Oh yeah, that.’ Eve winced at her own words.

  ‘What? You knew already?’ I said to Eve

  ‘I could hardly not, sleeping beauty. He just took the phone call an hour ago, here under my nose’

  Ben scooted closer to my chair and rested his hand on my leg. ‘It’s not a holiday Daisy. It’s working with this band, recording. I’m getting paid. It’s an actual job.’

  ‘But Ben? The baby? You’ll be in… where is the Outer Hebrides anyway?’ I could feel my jaw tensing; my stomach was making some sort of butterfly sensation but not the sort I liked.

  ‘Scotland.’ Ben touched my hand and looked into my eyes, his head slightly tilted, his mouth stretched into a strained smile. The look he gave me was one he always wore when he really wanted me to understand something. ‘It’s supposed to be beautiful, quiet, a very inspiring place to record music. I know, Daze, it’s not perfect timing, but what is?’ He motioned to my ever-growing stomach.

  ‘But… I thought… the bloody Outer Hebrides. You may as well be in outer space!’ I knew I sounded childlike. I looked over at Eve who was far too engrossed in the fairy lights. I looked back at Ben. ‘For how long again, did you say?’ I said in a small voice.

  Ben swallowed hard. ‘About three months, give or take. Obviously they are flexible, and they know our circumstances.’

  ‘Three. Months.’ I could feel actual panic setting in. He was leaving me, he was deserting me. How would I cope with the baby? I could be giving birth. Alone.

  Ben shrugged his shoulders ‘They really like me, Daze.’

  ‘Well, that’s not hard.’ I paid the compliment glumly.

  ‘And hey, first babies come late, right?’ Ben looked over at Eve for confirmation and I felt my stomach lurch again. Yes, first babies often did.

  ‘How should I know?’ Eve flashed a look our way, then continued to tug furiously at the lights.

  There were too many feelings racing around my body. This moment with Ben, this felt out of my control.

  ‘Daisy, I’ll make sure I’m back for the birth.’

  I looked at Eve sat opposite. Cool Eve who let her boyfriend, Patrick, go and do whatever he wanted yet he still came running back like a lovesick puppy every time. That’s the attitude I knew I needed to adopt. But I was fearful of being rejected. I was scared of being pushed away again, of losing someone precious.

  ‘Maybe your folks will come back for the birth? It would be nice to meet them?’ Ben looked up at me.

  Sweat prickled in my arm pits, and my mouth went dry as my body prepared itself for fight or flight mode.

  ‘It’s a long journey to make,’ I said quietly.

  ‘Sure.’ Ben nodded. He had asked as much about my parents as I had asked about his absent dad since our first night together. He always seemed to accept my one-dimensional answers.

  I knew what I needed to say to Ben to make it right, to show him I was strong. He didn’t need to know I was weak and broken.

  I took a deep breath. ‘But there is absolutely no doubt in my mind. You should do it. You’ve worked hard all your life and someone is offering you a wonderful opportunity. It would be completely selfish of me to hold you back. Just get back in time for the baby.’ I delivered the lines I knew he wanted to hear perfectly whilst my body contorted inside.

  Ben stood up then sat down on the edge of the chair and stroked my head. ‘We both knew when we got married that this wasn’t going to be easy. I’ve got stuff I need to do, and so have you. It was you who pushed me to do it, remember? You told me to take the gig with Griff and he was the one who introduced me to the band. You’ve opened something up inside of me that I could never quite get to before. You’ve given me the strength and courage to start living a life.’

  I listened intently. Was it possible that I could have influenced something good?

  ‘For God’s sake. This is impossible,’ came Eve’s voice as she threw down the fairy lights and stood up. ‘Hey, you two, there’s a lot to be said about getting married so soon after meeting. You’re both still so polite and giving. Not wanting to upset the other one. All supportive and nice. You make me sick.’ Eve gave a theatrical smile.

  ‘Not the psychobabble stuff again, Eve,’ Ben said in a mock whine.

  ‘Hey listen, pumpkin.’ Eve flicked her vibrant, red, bobbed hair. She stood over Ben and pointed a long manicured red nail at him. ‘If I was going to psychobabble you, as you so articulately put it, then you would know about it. I was merely making a simple observation. We’re all psychologists anyway, Ben. We constantly assess and analyse situations and people. It’s natural.’ She turned on her heel and walked out of the door. ‘It’s called being human.’

  ‘Anyway.’ He rubbed his hand over his face. It looked like I wasn’t the only one who didn’t sleep well. Last night his mumbling in his sleep had become irritating. I was struggling to sleep as it was, but Ben’s restlessness probably kept me kept me awake for longer than necessary. He took my hands in his; they felt cool and soft. ‘I won’t leave until after Christmas. I need to do a short stint in London and then I come back. I will miss your birthday but we can celebrate when I get back, and then I will have to go – and that reminds me.’ Ben took out his Blackberry and added another note to his calendar. It was still so strange to me to see him suddenly using a device so often these last few weeks, and one that did so much admin for him, when he was such an old soul, always writing lyrics in a notebook.

  He tapped away in the notes. ‘Need to go to the music shop and get one of these mini disc players, have you heard of them? I can record all the songs onto it and it will help me learn them.’ Ben spoke slowly as he typed, then he shoved the phone back into his pocket and put his arm around me.

  ‘You’ll be glad to have me out of your hair while you do all your nesting and stuff,’ he said.

  ‘But I like you hanging around and annoying me.’ I touched his arm.

  ‘You know this means we will have money. Money for the baby, money for a proper wedding party knees up,’ Ben said and grinned

  ‘Our first dance!’ I said with wide eyes.

  And Ben started humming the song he’d tapped on his coffee cup the morning after our first night together. It had unconsciously become ‘our’ song.

  ‘I love being married to you.’ Ben kissed me.

  ‘Happy birthday, handsome,’ I said again. Ben’s face fell and he looked away to the window, his go-to place for thought or avoidance.

  ‘What? What is it?’

  ‘Just birthdays, Daze. It’s not really a thing I ever did. Mum made a bit of an effort…’ His voice trailed off.

  ‘Listen, if anyone knows how to do birthdays in this house, it’s Eve. Just you wait and see.’

  At 7 p.m. we were dressed for dinner. I got Ben settled in the lounge and went to the kitchen to prepare drinks. ‘Beer for me,’ Ben called after me. I followed the sound of pumping music to the kitchen where I found Eve miming into a wooden spoon, her eyes squeezed shut. She opened them as she sensed me arrive, grinned at me, and returned to stirring the pot of beef bourguignon on the stove.

  ‘Beef is ready to rock and roll, mash is warm in the oven. Where the hell is Patrick?’ Eve said with agitation. On cue, the buzzer went. I noted how Eve pulled off her apron in one swift movement. She had changed into a bright green vintage wraparound dress. She smoothed herself down and pushed her bosom high into her chest with both hands. She gave me an exaggerated smile as she eagerly sashayed her way past me.

  ‘Finally,’ I could hear her saying as she reached the door. I heard Patrick’s deep booming voice and I imagined his large body filling the hallway and bending down to embrace his girlfriend. I grabbed two beers from the fridge and arrived in the lounge at the same time as Patrick was shaking Ben’
s hand and wishing him a happy birthday. Ben had hauled himself off the sofa and had managed a charming expression, as though his mood was lifted at the sight of another male in the vicinity.

  Patrick turned to greet me.

  ‘Hey, Daisy. You’re positively radiant. Pregnancy suits you.’ He took my whole body in his arms and held me tightly. I ignored his comments about my ever-expanding stomach. Instead I inhaled the earthy woodiness of his aftershave, a complete contrast to the citrus scents that Ben wore, and melted into his embrace for a second. Patrick was a few years older than me and Eve, and he seemed wiser in his ways; more like a father figure to me than just a friend.

  His strawberry blonde hair was damp with perspiration around his forehead from his walk. This evening he had attempted to cover up his protruding waistline with an Aran jumper that was a size too small and made him look even more like the schoolteacher that he so desperately wished he wasn’t.

  ‘The table looks good, darling.’ Patrick spoke with the public-school accent he had inherited from his years at Harrow. All that private education and training to become one of the country’s greatest sportsmen, then suddenly one fall and his rugby career was over.

  ‘Here’s a beer, Patrick.’ I handed him the cold bottle and gave the other to Ben. Patrick took a long gulp, swallowed half of the fizzy liquid and turned to Ben.

  ‘So how’s work, Ben, have you secured any gigs lately?’

  Ben’s head was tilted downwards as if apologising for his height next to Patrick who was a few inches shorter.

  ‘Well, funny you should ask, mate.’ He gave his neck a self-conscious stroke.

  I left the room. I couldn’t bear to hear Ben talk of leaving. I knew he had to do it. To stop him would stunt our future – now was when we needed to make the sacrifices. So I folded away the fear and insecurity I felt and pushed it back amongst all the other memories and feelings I wanted to forget.

  I took my place back in the kitchen as chief overseer.