Fear Page 7

  In three gulps, my wine was gone.

  After dinner, as the kids watched TV in the snug, I helped Damian load the dishwasher.

  ‘I think I’ll go for a bath,’ I said to Damian, once the final plate was cleared.

  ‘Okay. Thought we could take the kids to that new adventure playground tomorrow?’

  ‘Okay, if you think it will be warm enough.’

  ‘Yeah, it will be fine. Still got a few more days of light afternoons left.’

  And on those words the conversation was hung. Was it the wine, the hangover, I didn’t know, but I had a sudden urge to throw the bottle of wine at Damian’s head. His words sounded callous and empty, the very use of them, as though he didn’t know their significance after fifteen years together, ten of them married. At that moment I felt as though he were toying with me.

  In just over a week’s time, the clocks would go back and once again my life would be thrust into darkness and the thought of it made me want to run far away and find a safe place to hide until it was all over.

  14

  July 1998

  There was a rave happening next weekend. Everyone was going, including Todd. Nancy and I had already begun planning our outfits, even though it was over a week away. Then there was the question of drugs.

  ‘Are you going to take anything?’ Nancy asked as she paraded around in my multi-coloured halter neck top.

  ‘I don’t know. I’m planning to wear that top though, so can you get your sweaty pits off it.’

  This was our first proper rave. Everyone would be on something.

  I had yet to join them on that journey, but I felt as though next weekend was the time.

  I pulled the A5 flyer out of my shorts pocket to look at it again. It was fluorescent green with a cartoon cat’s head in the middle with really wide eyes, surrounded by the words, ‘If you go down to the woods today.’

  We all knew Brian, who was organising it. He was well into his forties and had been doing these events for years. He owned a clothes shop in town selling all the urban cool stuff I saw Todd dressed in. Todd dealt in a bit of weed which was how he made his money. He was the only dealer in our area and we were all his customers – he seemed to do pretty well and he could afford the clothes in Brian’s shop, where t-shirts cost what I earned in an entire evening as a weekend waitress.

  I held the flyer in my hand, knowing that it was Kiefer who had designed it on Reese’s parents’ computer. But he would never tell anyone. He had more talent than he allowed himself credit for. He seemed to do okay working in a warehouse. He and Reese were saving up for a flat. I was quietly envious of his studious nature which never really got noted at school but instead was overlooked by most of the teachers. Hence why he was skulking round designing flyers.

  Reese lived in one of the bigger three storey houses at the top end of town. Her mother owned her own temporary workers’ agency and drove a Toyota Celica GT. They never judged Kiefer or me for where we lived or the fact that Dad now claimed disability allowance for his depression and Mum had never really worked. In the end it came down to politics. We all wanted nothing but fairness and equality for all.

  I folded the flyer and whilst Nancy was distracted, sifting through my wardrobe, I placed it in my bedside table drawer. I felt a connection to something that Kiefer had help create, even it was just a silly old flyer.

  I knew Kiefer had seen something between me and Todd, but even I couldn’t say what it was yet. Todd hadn’t asked me to start seeing him, but there was something there, slowly unfurling like a fern in spring. It felt like it could be the beginning of something wonderful, and every time I thought about what that wonderful could be, I couldn’t control the spontaneous fizzing in my stomach. I wondered if we would get a moment alone together next weekend, and maybe then something would finally happen between us.

  Whilst Nancy continued rifling through my clothes, I had already made my mind up.

  Even though I could hear my brother’s protests ringing in my ears, I chose to wear the top Todd had commented on the last time I had worn it at a house party.

  Todd said it accentuated my best features.

  More than anything, I wanted him to see me in it again.

  15

  Now

  As I walked into work on Monday I heard my phone ping a text alert and I ignored it as I made my way to my desk. I felt shivers of mortification and the remnants of Saturday’s hangover. A little while later, as the office filled up, I tried to catch everyone’s eye to read what they thought of me. I had wanted to set a precedent for my colleagues to see me as someone to aspire to. So far I had failed colossally.

  I couldn’t remember anything anyone said in the Chambers, or for that matter what I said, which was more worrying.

  Finally, with a coffee in hand, I pulled my phone out and clicked into messages.

  Hope you’re not feeling too hungover today

  It was the same unrecognised number. My heart sped up as I realised that whoever it was had not given up.

  Penelope arrived in the office after everyone else. She put her bag on her desk then came over to mine. She looked even more emaciated than she had the last time I saw her. I saw her flash her eyes up and down me. Even though I felt like hell I had managed to pull off a good look today and I was impressed that Penelope had obviously noticed.

  I shoved the phone back in my coat pocket.

  ‘Morning,’ I said.

  Penelope stared at me absently as though she couldn’t remember why she was here, then looked at my computer screen.

  ‘Thought I’d run through some more of the client lists with you, so they’re not totally alien when we talk about them.’ Penelope pulled out a rice cracker from her handbag and pecked at it, bird-like. I observed her as she ate, feeling nauseous. My hunger pangs turned to sickness pangs.

  Her aloofness perturbed me. ‘How was your weekend, Penny?’ I tried to lighten the mood.

  ‘Penelope,’ she said monotonously.

  ‘Right. Sorry. I just presumed…’

  ‘Never liked Penny.’ Penelope looked thoughtful for a second. ‘I was called it by someone once. But never since.’

  ‘Oh.’ I was about to ask who, but I let the moment pass.

  ‘Hey, here’s a funny thing, you didn’t happen to see if I was talking to anyone weird on Friday night?’ I said instead.

  ‘Apart from Fish?’ Penelope made a sound like a snorting pig.

  ‘Mmm. Yep. Apart from Fish.’ I said, narrowing my eyes.

  ‘You were pretty hammered,’ she said, and I thought I heard something spiteful in her voice. It was too soon for me to have let my guard down like that. Penelope seemed like the type of girl to hold a grudge, and my behaviour on Friday night had obviously not sat comfortably with her.

  ‘Yeah, right, I didn’t really eat much that day. I had that presentation with Mason. I guess I was a little stressed.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Penelope seemed disinterested in my excuse and busied herself with bringing up the system we would be working through today.

  ‘So, no weirdos circulating the area?’ I said breezily.

  ‘You really don’t remember, were you that drunk?’ There was an accusation in her tone.

  ‘I… I guess I was a little.’

  ‘There was this guy,’ she said quickly.

  ‘Really?’ I felt my heart pounding fiercely in my chest.

  ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘So can you remember what he looked like?

  ‘Tall. Blond. Gangly.’

  ‘Gangly?’

  ‘Yeah, like he was going to get his head stuck in the ceiling or something. Long coat. Messy hair.’

  I felt my palms go sweaty and my mouth went dry. I thought back to the text message I had just read and then I thought about Penelope’s accurate description of someone I had been avoiding for so long who resided in close proximity to the Bliss offices. We were living our lives a mere few metres apart.

  I pulled in closer to Penelope.
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  ‘And you actually saw him. Did I talk to him for long?’

  ‘Sorry, I couldn’t say, I wasn’t surveying you all night. I do have a life, you know.’

  I laughed nervously. ‘Of course. Don’t worry about it. Thanks anyway.’

  But I couldn’t bring myself to think about training. I had an image stuck in my head. Of him. What did he want after all these years? Perhaps it was the same thing I needed but had refused to officially acknowledge. Closure.

  ‘I’m going to get a coffee.’ I stood up and headed for the coffee machine and Penelope gave me a sour sort of smile. I stood by the machine, lost in thoughts about what I needed to do and how I had been avoiding the situation for so long. Then suddenly I could smell him before I could see him. Aromas of sandalwood and citrus drifted my way. I felt the atmosphere physically shift.

  I turned, and as I did he seemed to look me up and down in one swift movement, then his face turned to a look of approval.

  ‘Morning, Frankie, how are you today?’ Mason said.

  ‘Yeah, good.’

  ‘Can I get you something? A coffee?’

  ‘Um, yes,’ I said taking a step to the side, and letting Mason take over. ‘I’ll take a latte if there’s one going.’ Mason flicked his eyebrows up in a quick movement and his lips twitched into a semi-smile. Then he turned his concentration to the coffee machine and delivered my latte. I took the glass mug from him carefully so the transaction of passing the coffee took several seconds, and all the while Mason was close enough for me to hear him breathing.

  ‘Can I get you a pastry with that?’ His hands were back at the coffee station as though nothing happened.

  ‘Erm, I… No, I shouldn’t. I’ve got a banana in my bag.’

  What did I just say? I felt the heat rising in my cheeks. A banana in my bag? Why would I tell anyone that, let alone Mason flipping Valentine?

  ‘Thanks for the coffee though.’ I raised my coffee cup to a ‘cheers’ and turned and went to walk away. I blew out an exhausted breath.

  ‘Oh, Frankie?’ Mason called and I turned back round to face him. He had one hand in his pocket and the other lifting the coffee cup.

  ‘I thought we could go over your proposal again this week, nip and tuck it, fine tune a few pieces and try and get it to moving to the next stage of development?’

  I shook my head in disbelief. I’d been here a week and already a product of mine was going to market?

  ‘Shall we say Wednesday?’

  I nodded, ‘Yes, sounds good.’

  He leant in closer and his aftershave was surrounding me. ‘Let’s do lunch, out. I’ll book somewhere.’ He whispered those last words as though they were just for me, and something roused inside me. I held on to it, but I also knew those words were already drenched in danger.

  I arrived home to find the house empty, which was a surprise because Damian was never usually one for making plans after school with the kids.

  I checked my phone to see if he had called or texted, but there was nothing. I walked round the house for a little while and then out into the garden and breathed in the chilly autumn evening air. I tried to live in these moments. In a few days’ time everything would be steeped in darkness from late afternoon onwards, and when the world around you was that dark for so many hours, it was hard to keep living for the light.

  I stood in the garden and tried not to see the amount of work that needed doing out there, the things that I knew Damian could be doing while I was at work.

  Then I heard a shriek and instantly recognised Maddox’s voice. I stood and listened harder. Then I heard a woman’s laugh, and Damian’s deep voice. I found a large terracotta plant pot, turned it upside down, and stood on it to peer over the fence. I could see Damian two doors down, standing in Harriet’s garden. Harriet was all about the vintage. Today she was wearing a long ditsy print dress in a chic forties shape with delicate cap sleeves and a pinched waistline, which highlighted her petite figure. Her jet black hair was scooped up on either side, meeting in the middle to make a quiff. I found myself wondering just how long it took her to get ready in the morning. I knew she only had Cody, and that she was a single mum.

  Looking over at them, what I found most alarming about the situation was how relaxed Damian looked, so different to how I had seen him in a long time. The blank look had gone from his face and in its place that boyish charming smile was back as he kicked at the leaves in her garden. His hands hung loosely in his pockets. He said something and she laughed again. He followed her into the kitchen. Maddox and Cody were running on the grass and I hoped that Pixie was somewhere in the house. I watched the boys for a little while longer, unsure if anyone was keeping an eye on them from the house. A few minutes later Harriet and Damian came outside again, both holding a glass of red wine. Harriet was laughing again. When the hell did Damian become so funny?

  I stepped down from the plant pot and headed back into the house to sort out dinner.

  I unloaded the dishwasher, put the sausages in the oven, began the onion gravy and was about to text Damian when I heard a commotion behind me as they all fell through the back door.

  ‘Oh, hi, you’re back?’ Damian said with an air of bemusement.

  ‘Yes, I do live here,’ I said sharply.

  ‘Yes, we know that,’ Damian said, matching my sarcasm.

  ‘Where have you all been?’ I feigned ignorance, wondering if Damian would tell the truth but knowing Maddox would rat him out in a second.

  ‘Cody and Maddox were having a little play date.’

  ‘And were you on this playdate?’ I sliced the onions and my eyes began to water.

  ‘Yes, Harriet invited us all over.’

  ‘Harriet?’

  ‘Yes, Cody’s mum.’

  ‘Oh, yes, that’s right, I always forget.’

  ‘She’s nice, isn’t she, Maddox,’ Damian said, ruffling his son’s hair and I felt a stab in my gut. ‘Come on, son, let’s go and watch some TV,’ Damian said to Maddox and I heard them both leave the kitchen.

  I put down the knife and went to the worktop counter where there was some kitchen roll. I took a sheet and dabbed at my eyes and then blew my nose.

  ‘Mummy, you’re crying?’ Pixie said and touched my arm.

  ‘Oh, no, sweetheart, it’s just those silly onions.’ I shrugged off Pixie’s words of concern and went back to the chopping.

  The words Damian and I weren’t saying had become an invisible barrier between us and I could feel their weight pressing down on me. I wanted to bust through it, shouting all the things I needed to say. Things I should have told him about the past when we first met, and how watching him laughing with Harriet made me feel like a small percentage of what I wanted to feel as a wife and a mother. I was trying so hard to do the right thing for both of us by going to work. But then there I was at Bliss not knowing what to do with this feeling that lingered whenever Mason and I were in the same room, and maybe it was something Damian and I needed to both acknowledge. Then deal with it. Or not.

  What a mess everything had become.

  My shoulders shuddered slightly as the real tears came.

  13 December 1998

  We didn’t always get on brilliantly, there were days when I hated you, because you always thought you were right. I hadn’t been respecting your opinions recently either but then why should I have lived my life according to your values? People expected to see us together so often but I was beginning to feel sick of it and wanted to break free, become my own person. I didn’t feel as though you wanted me to do that. I never asked you why. Looking back, I didn’t need to. You saw us as one and I suppose we were.

  I never gave you the time to tell me, to explain why you felt you needed to keep protecting me so much.

  I’m sorry I made you sad. I’m sorry I didn’t give you that time that you needed to talk. I’m sorry I never stopped and listened.

  Rest in peace, my darling.

  16

  Now

  O
n Wednesday I found myself on the top floor of the biggest hotel in town, looking out past the terrace and across the skyline. I had browsed outfits in my wardrobe at any opportunity, considering what I would wear for today. After I saw Damian chatting like a silly lovesick teenager with Harriet, I knew he was slipping away from me, so I wanted Mason to see me in the same way that Damian saw Harriet. I wanted him to see me as someone who was stylish, sophisticated and cool, the way that Damian no longer did. Perhaps I even wanted to feel attractive. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt attractive.

  Mason was coming straight from another meeting so I was able to arrive at the restaurant before him. I couldn’t bear the thought of walking in with him watching me.

  I looked around at turquoise heavy velvet chairs, dark grey wooden tables, heavily starched white linen napkins and a small blue piece of card with just a few choices of exquisite lunch delights. I decided on my meal so that when Mason arrived, I could say my selection without pressure. The waiter came over, and although I desperately needed a real drink to calm my nerves, I ordered a still mineral water.

  I saw him arrive at the front of the restaurant. A waiter was next to him in a flash so he didn’t have to do any of that awkward standing around that I had to do. I wondered if Mason Valentine was ever left in limbo, or did people like him attract so much attention that they never experienced an awkward moment?

  I sipped my water and looked out of the window until I heard him.

  ‘Hello, Frankie.’ His tone was deep and soft.

  ‘I didn’t see you sneak in,’ I lied.

  Mason took the seat opposite me and smiled unassumingly. The waiter hovered for a drinks order. Mason ordered whisky on the rocks and a large bottle of sparkling mineral water.